Truth be told, our family dentist is actually quite a nice guy, and has given me some of the “most” pleasant dental visits evar.  Of course that’s a relative term – as no visit is actually “pleasant.”  But some are better than others.  And this one wasn’t bad.  At least I didn’t have to listen to Rosie sing while my teeth were being cleaned.  How awful would that be?

I imagine paying a visit to your dentist is like talking to a priest in a confessional.  No matter what you try to “hide,” they somehow know everything.  (Including the fact that you were mean to Johnny Neighbor when you were 10 years old).  

No matter what you have been doing (or not doing for that matter) to your teeth the x number of months leading up to your dental visit, without fail, the week before your appointment you are brushing and flossing like nobody’s business – hoping that one week of intense dental management and care will somehow wipe out many months of neglect. Somehow if you managed to be so conscientious about your teeth during this one week, you can hide the weeks of no flossing or non-use of mouthwash.  I think you know exactly what I'm talking about. 

But THEY know.  They know even before they ask you if you’ve been flossing and brushing daily that you obviously haven’t been.  Otherwise, why would you be there giving them a look into your dental habits?  These guys are trained PROFESSIONALS.  One look into your mouth and they know that you drank a Coke just the day before.  They know about the Super Deluxe Extra Triple Chocolate Mega Fudge Brownie you scarfed the week before.  They know that you spent an hour in the bathroom the night before flossing and brushing repeatedly, and another hour the day of the appointment.  Despite hiding months of neglect under a thin film of mouthwash and last-minute flossing, they KNOW.

But yet, despite putting on this false front that I know they know about, what was I doing last night?  Yep, you got it.  Flossing like my life was on the line.  Brushing like I had never brushed before (ok – at least like the time I brushed before my previous dentist appointment).  Swigging mouthwash like it was going out of style.  

Why we do this, I have no idea.  After all, we are going to the dentist to get our teeth cleaned for heaven sakes.  What’s the point in cleaning it ourselves & making sure they are sparkly clean when we are already going to professionals to get them even cleaner?  I guess it’s like how we have to straighten & clean up even if we have professional housecleaners coming.  Heaven forbid that they see our house as a huge mess, even though they are there to clean up anyway.  

Fortunately, this is a regular cleaning visit, so I don’t have to psyche myself up or steel myself for painful novocaine shots, or uncomfortable drilling and filling.  Much the same way I psyche myself up before getting a shot or getting blood drawn.  I used to (and sometimes still do) pinch myself hard where the shot is to take place before the actual shot so I have some idea of what to expect.  As my wife most observantly pointed out, this sometimes hurts more than the actual shot.  "My point exactly," I retort - that way the actual shot isn't so bad.  

I think through the years, I've become accustomed to "bad" dental visits.  For some reason, as I got older (or maybe it's because my memory is failing me), dental visits haven't seemed quite so bad.  Even if I have to get fillings.  Or scraping and planing (whatever THAT is).  I think it's because I experienced just about every dental procedure under the sun (with exception to a root canal) while I was a child that hardly anything phases me anymore.  You want to drill into my teeth?  No problem.  You need to numb my gums to clean them?  Go right ahead.  You need to pull out all of my molars with no anesthesia?  Walk in the park.  

As a child, I hated going to the dentist with a passion.  I didn't mind getting my teeth cleaned at all - what I detested was getting the fluoride treatment.  No matter what flavor they used (whether it was bubble gum, butterscotch, peppermint, or Super Deluxe Extra Triple Chocolate Mega Fudge Brownie), sticking those white, plastic molds onto my teeth for what seemed like eternity always made me gag.  And if there's one thing I can't stand doing - it's gagging.  Just the thought of it almost makes me gag.  Along the same vein, tongue depressors aren't exactly a best friend of mine.  

But aside from having the intolerable fluoride treatment that left my mouth feeling like I just swallowed a mouthful of sand, I've had both my baby teeth and permanent teeth pulled out, I've had to endure wearing braces & a retainer for *six* (yes, that's right, six) full years.  In fact, I didn't get them off until the summer before I left for college.  The orthodontist claimed that we needed to wait for my wisdom teeth to come in, but I think he was scamming my parents for every nickel he could get.  I've had four wisdom teeth removed which was the only time I've been put under.  

The worst has got to be the braces though - I've never felt so much discomfort or pain until I had braces.  What prompted one sick individual to put metal caps and wires on teeth to *move* them where you wanted is beyond me.  Of course he is probably wealthier than I can imagine (or at least his descendants are).  Lucky bastard.  Anyone who can invent some weird, painful means of torture and get people to willingly  buy into it, and throw gads of money at him is a winner in my book.  "Yes!  Inflict barely tolerable pain in my mouth!  Make me look like a freak for years on end!  As long as my teeth will look perfect, I'll do anything!!"

So at least for a few hours after my semi-annual cleaning, my teeth look perfectly white and clean.  At least until I drink my next Coke, and scarf down a Super Deluxe Extra Triple Chocolate Mega Fudge Brownie.  

I check my calendar.  Only 113 more days until I need to start doing my week of intense teeth cleaning.  But until then, what I do with my teeth is my business, even if they somehow KNOW.