[If you have any aversions to biological reactions and infirmities, you may want to skip this particular entry. Just a warning tothe faint hearted. Or if you don't want to be grossed out, you may want to reconsider reading what's below. - Ed.]

Superman may be bulletproof and able to leap tall buildings with a single bound, but he has a mortal weakness to kryptonite. Likewise, Achilles was about as immortal as they come having been dipped in the River Styx, but his tendon is as sensitive as yours or mine. Connor & Duncan McLeod may be Highlanders and also semi-immortal, but they have a strong aversion to having their heads decapitated like the rest of us. See the pattern I am weaving here? All heroes, no matter how powerful or mighty they may seem, they all have a characteristic weakness. Face it, a perfect being insusceptible to anything does not a good story make.

Although I'm not considered a hero (super or regular or decaffeinated), I have a weakness which can pretty much stop me dead in my tracks. Or at least cause me enough pain and discomfort to last for several days.

On the whole, I have a pretty hearty constitution. I don't get sick very often - probably one semi-serious illness once a year. I have a pretty high level of pain tolerance so bruises and cuts don't bother me too much. I think I recover and heal from injuries faster than the average Joe. Just a healthy specimen of a red blooded, Chinese male homo sapien.

[Divergence & flashback to the late 70s: My best friend Scott and I weren't always the most "athletic" kids in grade school. So instead of getting back at our fellow taunters physically, we'd get back at them intellectually. For example, "You're a homo sapien!" which was often responded to by, "I am not, you are!" Of course that would elicit smirks and chuckles on our part. Another one of our favorites was, "Your epidermis is showing!" "Am not!" "Sure it is, I can see it right there!" "No you can't!" Yep, Scott and I were just a barrel of laughs. We still are on the rare occasions that we see each other.]

Where was I? Oh yes, a red blooded Chinese male with a strong constitution, but ailed by what sort of tragic, epic, hero-worthy weakness? Well, some more background if you don't mind. Those who know me know that one of my all-time favorite foods is potatoes. Like Mr. Yankovic, Jr. says, "I don't care if they are mashed, fried, or baked."

<In a Bubba Gumpish voice> Let's see, there's french fries, potato chips, hash browns, mashed potatoes, baked potatoes, tater tots, shoestring potatoes, twice-baked potatoes, potato salad...

Unfortunately, despite my severe craving and near-addiction to potato chips (sour cream & onion flavored ones especially), I was cursed with weak gums and a susceptibility to canker sores, usually as a result of eating chips. Don't tell me I didn't warn you. Unless I somehow restrain myself from eating more than 3 or 4oz in one sitting, 89.235292532% of the time I'll develop canker sores as a result. During the same time, it'll often be accompanied by an incident where I accidentally bite gums and develop even more canker sores. So I'm essentially in misery for the four to six days it takes to heal. Because of the extreme discomfort (I rank it somewhere between stubbing your toe very hard on a very immovable piece of furniture and getting your heart broken by an ex-), my appetite becomes nearly nonexistant, and talking becomes reserved for emergency situations only.

...juliened potatoes, cream of potato soup, potato wedges...

You would think that after having to deal with this curse all my life, I would learn my lesson. But nooooo, I stupidly keep subjecting myself to the same torture, month after month. Of course during the time my mouth is reeling in pain from multiple sores, you can find me swearing up and down never to touch another potato chip as long as I live. Similar to how people ask for help through a difficult time and vow never to return - "if you help me, I swear I'll never ever...". Of course we know it's all an act and a sham. We are weak beings and once we are out of the torturing situation, we're right back where we were to begin with. When my mouth eventually heals, it's not too much longer before you'll find me scarfing down yet another bag of Lays, throwing the consequences to the wind.

...boiled red potatoes, potato skins, seasoned potato strips...

My other weakness is an abnormally strong affinity to mosquitoes, don't ask me why. Of course I couldn't have a natural affinity to redheads or money, it has to be something as lame as blood-sucking parasites. But no matter where I am, no matter how many other warm-blooded beings are around me, somehow *I* am the one that *always* gets sucked dry if I don't put on any insect repellent. Getting bit is bad enough, but I turn out to be fairly allergic to their bites (excuse me, they are not really bites as they don't have teeth or a jaw) injections, and within minutes of contact, I develop large, itchy welts wherever they have poked me. Needless to say, one of my staples when going outdoors is a bottle of highly concentrated DEET.

I used to joke with my college buddies that I figured the reason mosquitoes liked me so much was because my blood was so pure (100% free from carcinogens, alcohol, and controlled substances). But who knows why I suffer so badly from them. Just one of those burdens I have to shoulder for my whole life.

The only reason I'm writing about these hush-hush-don't-talk-about-it topics is because I got a double whammy this week having three canker sores in my mouth simultaneously with numerous mosquito bites all over my body that I received during my latest bike ride. And I even sprayed myself liberally with DEET, but I must have sweated it off by the time I finished the ride. [Mental note: Bring DEET *with* you on the bike ride from now on.] At least the worst of it is over for now. My mouth is now a dull and very tolerable ache, while my body only itches briefly from time to time.

Now, where did I put that bag of Wavy Lays I bought on sale that I'm going to go eat outside on my back deck....