Damn. It's not everyday you find out that you've been a jerk your whole life. Not necessarily a full-time, 24/7, all-around schnitzy person per se, but definitely not the person you thought you were.

After Jen's parents left last week, Jen confronted me and asked me why I had been so inconsiderate while they were here. I agree that there were a few instances where I was out of line, but I didn't think I had been exceptionally rude much of the time. I guess part of the problem is that I'm either out of touch with my surroundings or have a lack of awareness of other people's feelings that I'm not even aware that I'm being inconsiderate.

Jen went on to add that because of the way I act (or the way I don't act for that matter), that's one reason she doesn't feel like doing things with other people for fear that I'll do Something Stupid (TM). She went on to name several people and incidents where I had been inconsiderate in the past. Ouch. Now granted, she was angry, and sometimes people say things they don't mean when they are angry, or exaggerate certain things, but also realize that with every exaggeration, there is an element of truth.

The more I think about it, the more I realize that perhaps this "problem" of mine is the reason I have so few friends. It seems like in almost every case of my past friendships, I've probably done something schnitzy that offended someone, most of the time without me being aware of it. It sure would explain why I've lost touch with a very large majority of my friends from college. Either because of something I did (like being inconsiderate of someone's feelings), or something I didn't do (i.e. not being sympathetic enough when I needed to be).

Upon further introspection, I feel that I often act inappropriately in social situations. I either get excited about some subject and end up interrupting people when I talk. Or I go through times of my life where I seem self-absorbed or self-centered. People could be wanting to open up to me, but instead, I'm focused on what I've been doing, and their feelings get left by the wayside.

Like I said, I don't think I'm a jerky person all the time, but it seems like over time, I end up doing Something Stupid that strains the friendship. I understand that people grow apart over time, and friendships will be gained and lost, but I seem to have an abnormally bad track record. It does make perfect sense though. Especially with two of my most important friendships in my life - that with Scott and my sister. Fortunately in both of those cases, we somehow got past the bad times, and eventually managed to patch things up.

In Scott's case, it was upon starting junior high. Somehow I managed to get into the "in" crowd, and either intentionally or unintentionally, cut Scott out of the picture. After all, I was the popular one now, and he wasn't. Boy, was that a schnitzy thing to do or what? I definitely regret going through that period of our friendship, and I take the full blame. It still pains me sometimes when I think about how badly I treated him back then. Fortunately for us, one of our mutual friends got us back together in time for high school, and we've remained close ever since. But it is definitely one example where it could have gone the other way, with us never talking to each other ever again.

With my sister, it was probably a combination of our age difference and me having to deal with being in completely new environment having just gone off to college. I know that she felt like I wasn't "there for her," but also realize that I was having to deal with newfound freedom and independence at college. Not only was I on my own, but the fact that we were now separated by hundreds of miles also didn't help our relationship. I admit that I failed in the "big brother" department during those several years, but fortunately, we've managed to repair things (much to the relief of our parents) and strengthen our relationship.

Some people struggle with weight, while others struggle with addictions. One of my lifelong struggles has been with friendships and social situations. I can say that I've never hardly ever felt completely comfortable in social situations (other than being around very close friends.) At times, I may seem like a pillar of confidence, but inside I'm a quaking mess. Perhaps that's one reason I internalize my feelings and emotions and seem to be inconsiderate. I know I try not to do that purposefully. But being out of my element, it seems like the only thing familiar to me in those situations is myself, so that's where I go. Which can be viewed as being self-absorbed or self-centered.

What makes it especially bad, and perhaps they are related, is what a high level of importance I place on friendships. I honestly feel (all the way deep down to my very core) that aside from God, family & friends are the most important aspects of my life. I honestly would go to the ends of the earth for my friends and family if they asked me to. In fact, that is why sometimes I get so disheartened when friendships dissolve or I end up losing touch with friends. It's just that somehow there seems to be some sort of short circuit between what I feel for my friends (and my good intentions) and how I end up acting.

I guess the first step into solving any problem is acknowledging that there is a problem to begin with. To those friends of mine who are reading this, I sincerely apologize if I have offended you in any way. Please know that it was probably unintentional and that I was unaware I was doing it at the time. To those same friends and those who will become my friend in the future, please know that it will most likely happen again, but I will work harder on being more sensitive and considerate.